Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday April 16, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

YELLING SERVES NO POSITIVE OBJECTIVE

1st of 2 parts

 

Question:  I am 77.  My husband is 80.  He had a stroke and has lost balance, walking and memory capabilities.  I have been working closely with the doctors and people at the rehab hospital. I also have private duty aides with him 24 hours a day.   My daughter, who lives 400 miles away, calls and yells at me, the doctors and the health care aides.  It is very embarrassing and disruptive because all the appropriate care elements are being done.  How do I handle her anger?

 

Answer:  You are correct when you say it is her anger.   She also is in denial of reality.  She does not like to see her father in a dependent situation.  She does need to accept that her father may never be what he was before the stroke.

 

You have to make it clear to her that her yelling is completely unacceptable and unwarranted behavior.  She really has no right (the word ‘right’ in caps) to yell at people who are helping your husband.  If she continues to yell, tell her she should come home and take over.  Then you can go on a vacation.

 

Question:  My father, 88, had a stroke.  He is very confused and cannot walk on his own.  The hospital threw him out after only a few days.  He is now in a rehab home.  My mother is frail herself and will not be able to take care of him.  My mother does not want to place him in a nursing home.   What alternatives are there?

 

Answer:  There are basically two options in a situation such as yours.  Your mother has already said no to the nursing home.  The only other option (not necessary a viable alternative) is to bring him home with full-time live-in help, preferably a male.  A male aide will have the strength to move him around.

 

The house may have to be modified to accommodate a wheelchair as well as a room for the aide.  If appropriate handicapped accessible modifications cannot be made and/or there is no private room for the aide, then the only alternative may be a nursing home.

 

Question:  My uncle, 82, fell and broke his leg in three places.  He does not seem to be getting the proper care in the rehab facility.  I live 100 miles away, and my aunt is a mild mannered person.  I’m angry that he’s not getting quality care.   The people in the facility do not seem to care what I have to say.

 

Answer:  First of all, from 100 miles away how can you tell he’s not getting the proper care?  You can’t.  Don’t be a Monday morning quarterback.  Your aunt in her own quiet way can be much more effective in getting people to help.  Your anger and yelling at them   serves nothing positive.  In fact, it will turn away those people who can best help your uncle.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 556 words; other material = 160 words

 

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