Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday April 23, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

RELATIVE ANGER MUST BE CONTROLLED

2nd of 2 parts

 

In the past month, I have heard from family members about other relatives (1) being angry that their loved one is ill and incapacitated, and (2) yelling at family caregivers as well as health care professionals, including doctors, because of supposed poor care.

 

It is normal for a family member to be very upset when they see a loved one ill.  However, many refuse to accept reality (as was the case in last week’s column).  They want to see their loved one in the same health as before the medical crisis. They become angry and lash out at the very people who are caring for the ill person.  Caregivers might be the other parent or professionals.   But life and aging is not necessarily the golden years as poets used to say.

 

My reaction, carved in stone:

(1)  Yelling at anyone is not acceptable behavior.

(2)  Yelling at professionals only creates negative feelings and serves no positive objective.

(3) Yelling at a caregiver parent is also unacceptable behavior and doesn’t help the well spouse deal with an emotional situation

(4)  Yelling will only result in a negative relationship between the elder and adult child, no matter how well intentioned the child is.

(5)  Calmly handling tough scenarios will get better care results for your loved one.

(6) ALL family members need to provide emotional support to the primary caregiver.  No one should criticize or yell at a parent.  There are other ways to ensure appropriate care.

 

To make sure a loved on is receiving the best care possible:

(1) Initiate and maintain calm, open communications with the doctors, the professional who has developed the Care Plan, and other caregivers.  A Care Plan must be developed, whether in a regular hospital, a rehab hospital, or acute care or rehab facility.  The Care Plan must be okayed by the patient, whenever possible, and the designated health care representative (spouse or adult child).

(2)  Keep a diary on happenings and how and what the patient is doing.  Make note of daily or weekly progress -- or further deterioration.

(3)  Discuss changes with the doctors and other professionals on a regular -- but not necessarily a daily -- basis.  Daily discussions are appropriate if sudden deterioration or other medical problems occur.

*****

The 3 As of Elder Care:

 

••  Acknowledge the fact that your loved one has physical and/or mental impairments that need to be addressed.

••   Accept  the fact that your loved one may have permanent damage.  Accept that you did not cause the problem and that you will have to deal with reality.

••  Act upon the most viable options, asking a lot of questions in a calm manner.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 509 words; other material = 160 words

 

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