Globe Syndicate

For release Friday April 30, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

WHEN SHOULD MOM MOVE?

1st of 3 parts

Question: We are 75 miles from my mother, 80, who lives alone. We want her to move nearer to us. She refuses.

Answer: The word “empower” seems to be the watchword for 2004. Sandwich Generationers need to empower their parents. This means respecting their wishes as to lifestyle -- as long as they are mentally competent to make such decisions and have the financial resources to do so. Maintaining control of lifestyle is very important in maintaining self esteem, which reduces the onset of depression and other health problems.

First option should always be to help them remain in their own home, safely and healthy. Identify help needs and bring in appropriate help. Someone to clean the house and cook, and do the shopping and laundry.

Set up a neighborhood and friends alert system so you’ll know when there is a real problem.

Uprooting someone can lead to many more problems than it solves.

Question: My father, 86, lives alone, takes six different medicines, has lost weight in the past six months and ‘wanders.’ My sister says “Leave him alone. He’s where he wants to live.” Should I?

Answer: One of the most frequently asked questions is “When should I intervene?” My answer: when physical, mental, health or financial safety is involved. You’ve mentioned several triggers that do warrant active intervention.

The three top reasons those over 65 end up in hospital emergency rooms are: falls (mostly in the home), malnutrition and dehydration, and adverse medicine interactions. These are the areas in which sandwich generationers need to aggressively address.

Question: I am 78 and healthy. My two children live far away. I worry about what will happen if I get sick. Should I move?

Answer: While most people want to remain in their own home, many would like to move for various reasons. You shouldn’t live with a “what if” worrying attitude. But you do need to be realistic and plan appropriately, so you can have a longer life span.

Look at the options. There are many more today than ten years ago when my mother was struggling with getting old and more needy. Ask yourself and answer a number of questions. These questions are valid for both the elder and the sandwich generationer when such a decision has to be made.

* Could I get help if I fell? A medical alert button is a safeguard.

* Do I have a satisfying social life? If yes, you may want to stay in the area, even if you move to a living alternative. If not, where can I get it without moving? Or will I need to move to have more social opportunities?

* Is my neighborhood safe? Or are there crime problems?

* Do I cook balanced meals or just nibble on high sweet or carb foods? If you aren’t eating properly because you hate cooking, you may want to look at a senior living community.

NEXT WEEK: Where Should Mom Move To?

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 566 words; other material = 160 words

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