Globe Syndicate

For release Friday May 21, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

ANGER CAN BE BAD -- AND GOOD

Question: We were shocked during a recent visit to see the dirt in my parents (early 80s) house. I yelled at them -- to no avail! I’m mad! I can’t control my feelings and need help.

Answer: Yelling and anger are not going to solve the problem per se. But you may (hopefully) be moved to evaluate your parents’ physical capabilities and identify the tasks with which they need help.

Calm down. Step back. Then act to help empower your parents so they can remain in their own home safely. Identify areas which they can’t handle themselves. Also identify resources in the family (if any live nearby) and community to get those tasks done.

Using the acronym STOP can help.

S == stop yelling and doing what you are because it is not working.

T == think about what is happening. Identify the real problems.

O == look at the options to solve the problem that have been identified.

P == plan how to solve the problems.

Question: I work part-time, from noon to 6 p.m. This way I can help my mother, 88, in the morning. However, she refuses to shower in the morning when I’m there. She insists on showering at night. I’m too tired then. My anger and frustration show. I can’t seem to control my anger. My mother is angry with me and now refuses to even talk with me.

Answer: Often anger results in irrational behavior such as yelling, which serves no positive objective.

You need to shift your thinking and understand why your mother wants a night shower. Look at the bigger picture. She probably has a good reason and is not being stubborn just to exert her independence. Does it help her sleep better? Often this is the case.

If you’re tired, hire someone to be there at night, even for a couple of hours. A neighbor or one of your teenage daughters (who can take turns and earn some spending money).

Imagine yourself at that age and how you’ll feel about decades old habits. Will you want to change them? Probably not. So try to take a more positive attitude and seek alternatives so that both of you can be happy.

Question: My anger at my parents’ illnesses is consuming me. My children tell me to “chill it.” How can I?

Answer: Their advice is good, even though it’s not easy. Your anger is not going to help your parents get better. (Maybe nothing will.) You may need professional anger management help if you continue to be unable to handle it.

Anger management help IS warranted when

* your anger is harmful to other people or important relationships;

* you regret yelling after you’ve expressed your anger;

* you keep the anger inside and end up with headaches, high blood pressure, digestive problems, among a long list;

* you frequently criticize everyone around you and disregard their values, likes and dislikes; and/or

* you behave in a way you never did before.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 570 words; other material = 160 words

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