Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday June 11, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

NURSING HOME PLACEMENT SHOULD BE LAST RESORT

 

            Question:  My friend, 86, was just uprooted from her home and put into a nursing home.  While she’s partially bedridden, she was mentally alert.  She doesn’t belong there.  Now she will not even talk to anyone or eat.  The home wants to put in a feeding tube.  Her children will not listen to me.

            Answer:  Shame on the children!  Being forced to go into a nursing home can be a traumatic experience.  The person loses control of his or her own life and personal space.  There are many more options today.   

            The money spent on nursing home care might be better spent  to have live-in help and have the person remain in his or her own home.  This seems feasible as you said the family has money and your friend does not have any chronic illnesses that might require medical care.

            If she has trouble eating, then food can be pureed. 

            If your friend is mentally alert or has a Living Will, she can refuse the feeding tube.  In some states a person can even sue the nursing home if it persists in doing things the patient doesn’t want.  Consult an elder law attorney.

 

            Question:  We had no choice but to place my mother, 94, in a nursing home.  She always was a very quiet person.  Now she lashes out physically to the help, even though they are very kind.  She seems especially violent when it comes to bathing.  She is a Holocaust survivor, and someone said that may be why she’s fighting everyone.  Can this be true?

            Answer:  Yes, it is very possible.  She may believe she is being taken to a gas chamber, as people were undressed before being put there.  If the staff wears white uniforms, this is another trigger that makes her fight.

            There are other reasons elders fight bathing.  If glasses or hearing aides are removed, they don’t understand what is happening.  Fear makes them resist.  Or the water may be too hot or too cold.  Or the room may be too cold.  Look into what is really happening.

 

            Question:  My mother, 81, was always a very social and active person.  Now she doesn’t want to leave her house even to shop or visit her best friend three blocks away.  She also seems to be getting more and more confused.

            Answer:  I’m not a doctor and you should consult one.  However, there might be a simple problem that explains her changed behavior -- incontency.

            She may not like to leave home because she may have an accident and will be embarrassed.  To counteract the accident problem, she may have reduced her liquid intake.  Dehydration can cause confusion and dementia.

            Discuss this with her; get her to talk about her feelings and problems.  There certainly are easy ways to deal with incontency positively.  And it will help your mother resume her active life style.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 541 words; other material = 160 words

 

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.