Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday July 02, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

VACATIONS ARE NEEDED BY EVERYONE

REGARDLESS OF AGE

 

Question:  We want to take our three teenagers on a camping and hiking trip in a rugged and primitive area.  Some places will be unreachable even by cell phone.  My parents are in their mid-80s and in frail health.  Although they have great neighbors in case of an emergency, they’re upset we’re going away.  We really want to take this vacation, yet worry about them.  Need advice.

 

Answer:  Even though your parents can take care of themselves, you might want to consider short term alternative care options that will give everyone peace of mind.

            Many senior and assisted living residences have “respite” programs.  Your parents can stay for a couple of weeks, get nourishing and tasty meals, participate in various social activities, and have someone on the scene 7/24 if something unusual happens.

            Many ALFs are like luxury bed & breakfast resorts.  Your parents can have their own vacation.  A change of scenery for everyone is needed to recharge life’s batteries.

 

Question:  My mother, 84, lives alone in Florida.  We want her to move in with us.  We live in Virginia.  She refuses.  How can we get her to move?

 

Answer:  My usual advice:  “empower” your mother to remain independent as long as possible.  This should be the first route.

            Ask yourself and answer a number of questions.  Does she have friends near her?  Does she have her own social life?  If yes, she might be better off staying in Florida.  Socialization and keeping busy go a long way in promoting emotional health.

            Secondly, it is very difficult for two adult generations to live together comfortably, with limited stress.  I personally discourage it.

            However, if you all do get along and there are separate quarters for your mother, your mother might visit for a couple of months to avoid the terrible heat in Florida.  Look at it as a test run for everyone.

 

When Adult Children Move Back In:

            There is also another vantage point -- when adult children and grandchildren move back in with parents.  I recently received a call from a woman who let her daughter, son-in-law and teenager move in with her.  The son-in-law is disabled and refuses to work, and the daughter has a low paying job.  The house is modest, yet it was big enough for the family when the children were growing up.  But it’s a different story now.  There is no privacy for the adults.  And the son-in-law now wants her to take a mortgage on the house and build a separate living area for herself.  In reality, they expect her to give up her own home.  Friends tried to discourage her beforehand, but she wouldn’t listen.  Now she doesn’t know what to do.

            Would like readers’ advice.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 463 words; other material = 160 words

 

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