Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday August 06, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

THE CONFUSED NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

 

Question:  I am worn out, physically and emotionally, from caring for my mother, 84, who has moderate dementia.  Physically she’s fine.  But she wants to be with whomever is home.  It’s embarrassing when friends come over -- either ours or our teenager’s.  She says really ridiculous things.  She throws temper tantrums when we try to have her stay in her wing of the house.  How can we get her to behave?

 

Answer:  Seeing a loved one deteriorate mentally can be devastating to the family.  However, you do have to accept the fact she will never “behave” the way you think she should.  As far as she is concerned, she isn’t doing anything wrong.

            Your family needs to find a balance between including her in family activities and having privacy yourselves by diverting her attention to activities she likes.  Inclusion makes her feel connected to others and reinforces her own self-esteem that she’s still a valued and loved member of the family.  This is critical regardless of the mental capacity of a person.

            If you know someone is coming over, find an activity that will keep your mother occupied in her rooms -- a TV program, a video or CD of an old movie she may have liked, music, a book tape.

            If she craves a lot of people interaction, moving her to an assisted living residence which has dementia care expertise might be advisable.  Most have “respite” programs. Your mother can “visit” for several weeks, which will give you a break and will give her a new experience.

            As for daily care, you should hire someone to be with her even for a few hours during the day.  Or an adult day care center can give her the socialization she needs and obviously wants.

 

Question:  My father, 88, has lived with my sister for eight years.  In the past couple of years, she has limited our visits.  She says he is very confused and gets agitated when there are too many people around him.  We want to see him more often and wonder if he is being abused.

 

Answer:  You have a tough, but not uncommon situation.

            First you should have your father officially evaluated by a multi-discipline medical team.  Medications, in particular, should be looked at closely.  An evaluation will identify mental functioning capabilities and inabilities.  It will also give professionals a chance to see how he interacts with others.

            With this information, you will be better able to determine your next step.

            At times, confused people do need to keep to a simple, quiet routine.  But that doesn’t mean your visits should be limited.  A quiet visit, just sharing a TV program  can be beneficial to the elder.  The number of people who visit at any one time should be limited.  Facing a whole group of people, even family members, can be traumatic.

            There is also the possibility that your father gets upset because he wants to tell you something privately and doesn’t want your sister to hear.  Make sure you have time alone with him.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text =571 words; other material = 160 words

 

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