Globe Syndicate

For release Friday September 17, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

AFTER ONE PARENT DIES:

HOLDING ON & LETTING GO ARE THE KEYS

Question: My father, 84, just passed away, very suddenly. We want my mother to move near us. She refuses to leave her apartment where she’s lived for decades. How can we convince her?

Answer: You are not alone with this kind of situation. My advice has always been, DON’T move in like a bull in a china shop and take over. You must respect your mother’s decision, as long as she is basically physically and mentally capable of caring for herself.

Providing emotional support and helping keep her independence are what count.

In looking for more guidance for this scenario, I found two articles in “The Sandwich Generation” magazine. They were written by a sandwich generationer who had lost her father and wanted her mother to move close to her and her sister.

She began the first story with the following:

“She looked so small, walking away from the grave where she had just seen her husband, the love of her life, laid to rest. Fifty-five years, the best of her world, her life, her heart, she was leaving behind. She was leaving so much of herself there, that as she turned to go I could picture her caught up on a breeze and dissolving in the air. I held on tightly to her that day. I wouldn’t let her sail away on that stray breeze. I held on tightly because for her, there was nowhere on this earth that she would be happy. Her happiness was gone. As I watched her I knew that I wouldn’t let her just quietly slip away. But how do you fight an enemy as inviting as the dark folding layers of grief and pain that offer to engulf your world?

“He was my father, my cornerstone, my place of safety in the world. But the pain wasn’t mine; it was hers. The task at hand was to put aside anything that would stop me from becoming the anchor that she now so desperately needed. To feed her spirit and nurture what was left of her soul, to help her to see past the terror of the nights. Each day to be there for her to hold on to, when falling was easier than standing. This was the war I saw beginning. ......”

The second article was written two years later and discusses how step by step the two daughters helped their mother remain independent.

“........The practical matters were another story. How to keep a checkbook. What to do about income taxes. Do the stock proxies have to be signed? These matters were handled one by one, patiently, slowly, encouraging her to handle the things she could, and giving us the things she could not. Everything took time and patience. The frustrating calls: how to set the digital clock; what to do about the VCR; how to change the battery in the smoke alarm. Daddy always did those things.....”

The full text of these two marvelous articles is available on our web site:

www.sandwichgeneration.com. They are in the Special Features section, # SFTSG 003 titled Family Focus.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

* * *

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 530 words; other material = 160 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.