Globe Syndicate
For release Friday October 01, 2004
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
DEMENTIA: DON’T FIGHT IT --EDUCATE YOURSELF
Question: My mother, 85, lives with us and has irreversible dementia, but not necessarily Alzheimer’s. She has become verbally combative and starts arguing about everything. Most of the time she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Tensions are high. My sister and brother and two adult children don’t want to visit or invite us to their homes. I’m stressed out and frustrated. I feel as if I’ve been deserted by my family. How can I regain my family -- and myself?
Answer: You have been deserted, and that, to me, is not acceptable. Your family needs to educate themselves about dementia, its progression and the whys of the elder’s behavior. Information from the Alzheimer’s Association is very useful because it is symptom specific and has great TIPS. Also a book called ‘The Validation Breakthrough” by Naomi Feil is great for all kinds of dementia.
Your family needs to understand and accept the fact that your mother has no control of what is happening to her or what she says. So they shouldn’t argue with her or get upset themselves.
In my special program on Alzheimer’s and dementia, I recommend diverting the elder’s attention to another subject. Or I used to get up from the table and go to the bathroom. Then when I returned I started talking about something else.
While they shouldn’t ignore her, they should ignore what she says.
They also should know that you alone cannot take care of her, much less take care of yourself. Everyone needs to make time to help you.
There are two articles on our web site that can help you. Web site is www.sandwichgeneration.com. In the Special Features section, the articles are (1) Breaking the Barriers to Communicating, #SF014 and The Tragedy of Alzheimer’s, #SF016.
Question: We are having a difficult time dealing with my mother’s severe dementia. At times, she doesn’t know who I am or even who she is. I visit her in the nursing home and just sit there, not knowing what to say or do.
Answer: When you enter the room, you might say, “Hello, (her name), I am (your name.) I am very glad to see you today.” Give her a hug or squeeze her hand affectionately. You shouldn’t call her “Mom, because that may not have any meaning to her. Nor should you always try to get her to recognize who you are in relation to her. This will only get her -- and you -- upset.
Make positive comments about how she looks, her hair, clothes. Point out the sun outside -- or the rain that will make the flowers grow. Try to get her out of her room into another part of the nursing home. But do not take her out of the home. A constant environment is best.
It’s hard to see a loved one deteriorate like this, but keep on visiting. One teenager said to me of his grandfather, if I keep talking to him “He’ll somehow know I love him.” Great advice.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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