Globe Syndicate

For release Friday October 08, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

MORE ACTIVITY == HAPPIER & HEALTHIER ELDERS

Question: My mother, 80, is never home. She bird watches and hikes. She’s taking literature courses at a nearby college. She plays cards (for money) twice a week. I have to work full time. My daughter also works full time and has a three-year-old daughter. My mother refuses to baby sit. I think she’s selfish.

Answer: Applause for your mother! It’s great she’s doing things she enjoys. She deserves to do what is good for herself. She’ll stay healthier and independent longer. Be blessed that she can do them on her own.

Three-year-olds need to be constantly entertained and watched. They have too much energy for an 80-year-old to comfortably handle all day on her own.

If you and your daughter both work, you should be able to afford day care, either at home or in a nursery school.

Question: My parents, mid 70s, love animals and have two dogs, two cats, and a parrot that swears all the time. The house smells bad from all these animals and the yard is full of dog dirt. . I am especially embarrassed by the parrot’s swearing. Otherwise they are delightful people. We always have a lot to talk about. But now I hate to visit

They say they don’t smell anything or care about the outside dog dirt because they never walk around there. Before we visit, my mother sprays the house with a terrible odor-eliminator spray which makes the house smell even worse. They refuse to give up their pets. I’m frustrated.

Answer: Be thankful your mother tries to keep you happy by spraying the house. Perhaps she should use Lysol, which does help eliminate smells, but doesn’t leave an after smell.

Your parents probably don’t smell anything from the animals because they are used to the odor. Also, as one ages, often the sense of smell diminishes.

If there is a clean-up problem discuss it with your parents and look into alternatives to get things cleaned up. Suggest they get someone (even a neighborhood teenager) to change the kitty litter once or twice a week and to clean up the yard on a regular basis.

Such smells also tend to cling to drapes, rugs and furniture. Remember the days of the thorough spring and fall house cleaning? If your parents can’t do this themselves, hire a professional cleaning service.

Animals give unconditional love. So you should help your parents keep and care for the pets they love.

Footnote: I had to laugh at the description of the parrot’s cursing. I won’t repeat here some of the words you told me. Years ago we went into a divvy roadside restaurant and were greeted by a sailor’s voice, cursing. Turns out it was a parrot who had been owned by a ship captain. We had a great laugh. Your parents undoubtedly are amused by their parrot Scientific studies indicate a person who laughs 24 times a day lives longer, healthier.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 502 words; other material = 160 words

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