Globe Syndicate

For release Friday October 15, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

YOUR PARENT’S DEBTS ARE NOT YOURS

Question: My parents, 70s, lost a lot of money from bad investments. They once had a lot, but now can go only another couple of years. They refuse to change their lavish lifestyle. My father says we shouldn’t worry and that he will get more money soon. How can we get them to stop spending so much? Will we have to pay their bills?

Question: We just learned that my father-in-law, 62, has $40,000 on credit cards. He lives in a modest apartment, has no assets, and a mediocre paying job. My husband is executor of his Will. Will we have to pay off his debts if there is not enough of his money when he dies?

Answer: In both cases, the children are not responsible for their parents’ debts, either when the parents are still alive or after they have died.

In both cases, only the parents can change their spending habits. You do need to make it very clear to them that (1) you do not have the money to pay their bills, and (2) you will not pay their bills. .

In the second case, the executor is not personally responsible for a parent’s debts. If there is not enough money in the estate to pay bills, the executor can petition the court to declare the estate insolvent. After funeral and probate expenses and the executor’s fee are paid, the judge (not you, the executor) will decide who gets paid and the amount. Children are responsible for paying for the funeral even if the deceased had no assets.

Question: We want to hire someone to take care of my parents (late 80s) on a full-time, live-in basis. A social worker told us we need to pay various taxes and withhold money from the caregiver’s pay checks. Where do we find information on this?

Answer: You need to withhold federal and state income taxes, social security, unemployment and disability taxes. A good accountant can tell you how much to withhold each week and should set up the basic numbers and procedure for you.

Once the procedure is worked out, it’s not difficult to file the forms quarterly with the governments. You do not need an accountant to do the quarterly reports. You can do them yourself. We had live-in help for my parents for six years, and I handled paying the housekeeper and the taxes.

The Center for Applied Gerontology has a Guide to Hiring an In-Home Caregiver. Call 773-508-1000 or visit their web site: www.cje.net

Question: We are hiring live-in help for my father, 90. How do we “act?”

Answer: Always remember YOU are the employer. It is u p to you to define specific chores that need to be done -- after you have identified “true needs” and capabilities.

Define parameters of acceptable and unacceptable behavior on the part of both the caregiver and your father. You must also emphasize that your father’s wishes must be respected -- unless they really are outrageous.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 510 words; other material = 160 words

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