Globe Syndicate

For release Friday November 19, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

IT’S HOLIDAY TIME: RECHARGE YOUR OWN BATTERIES

Question: We have been fighting (very loudly) about whether or not to bring my wheelchair bound mother home from the nursing home for Thanksgiving and Xmas. I want to. My husband and children oppose the idea. Now my children are saying they won’t come to my usual Thanksgiving party if their grandmother is there. I am so hurt, I cry every night.

Answer: Your husband and children are right! Leave your mother in the nursing home during the holidays.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore her during the holidays, but do something special for her in another way. Bring her favorite dishes to the home. Have a family dinner or lunch at the home. Most have family party rooms. Make sure any of her friends still around do visit her. Drive them yourself, if need be.

Holidays should be a time to recharge life’s batteries, to step back and enjoy a happy day with family and friends. This is even more critical to the health and well-being of a caregiver.

If you cook the means as you described them to me, I’m waiting for an invite. You certainly won’t have time to take proper care of your mother. If she has dementia, the move to your house, a change in environment and routine, and the noise of the dinner can have a negative effect on your mother. And the next day, she may not even remember it.

As an aside, why are you doing everything yourself? Take off some of the pressure. Assign various foods to your children. I’m sure they’ll do as good (if not better) job as yourself. They will also feel more a part of the celebration if they have contributed something other than their presence.

Question: My grandchildren (six and four) want to give my mother (96 and bed bound in a nursing home) a Party for Christmas. They are very noisy, in a good way, but have so much energy. I’m afraid they’ll disrupt other residents. How can I discourage them?

Answer: I think it’s great they are thinking of their great-grandmother in this way. Help them make the holidays brighter for your mother. You did say she is still mentally alert.

The kids can bring materials to decorate the room. Your mother can give them directions as to where she would like things. This is a great way to generate intergenerational bonding.

Even if the kids run up and down the halls, the noise will not hurt anyone. Just because people are in a nursing home doesn’t mean they can’t appreciate children. After my mother’s 90th birthday party she looked wistfully at her then four great grandchildren and said, “They have so much energy.” And she smiled. On her deathbed, she tried hard to stay around to see her just born fifth great grandchild. Unfortunately, she didn’t make it.

The proverbial holiday question: What do I give someone who has everything? My always the same answer: some of your time on a regular basis.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 570 words; other material = 160 words

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