Globe Syndicate

For release Friday December 17, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION:

TAKE CARE OF SELF BEFORE ANYONE ELSE

Question: Every year I write down three resolutions for the New Year. I am usually successful in fulfilling them and get great satisfaction from meeting my objectives. This year, I’m so emotionally stressed I can’t even think, much less write down three of anything. Both my parents suddenly became ill, and I’m “it.” The holidays this year will not be joyous!

Answer: As always, you need to continue to put yourself on the top of any priority or “to do” list. If you don’t, you’ll get sick and be unable to care for your parents.

Given your situation, you probably can’t identify crises ahead of time. You’ll have to deal with them as they occur. Stress here can’t be avoided, but its impact can be reduced if you put other things in order.

Take a pad and write down:

• the tasks that really NEED to be done for your parents;

• the tasks they can do for themselves;

• family members who can help do the tasks ;

• community resources to help do tasks and/or provide care; and

• a “task” assignment schedule.

You should not be doing everything yourself. Sound management philosophy says “if someone else can do a job well, as good or better than you, they should do it.” This then leaves the manager (you, in this case) to do what no one else can.

Your responsibility as a sandwich generationer is to make sure your parents receive appropriate care. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself.

I lived 55 miles from my parents. I was not going to move into their very small house. And they didn’t want to move into my larger house. I hired live-in help. At one point I had a team of four people giving 24/7 care. A nightmare in scheduling, but my parents (then 85 and 90) both got the care they needed. I also recruited a cousin who lived a block away to do minor shopping, chauffeur them to doctors when I couldn’t, and basically keep an eye on them and the housekeeper.

So, Resolution #1 should be: Get Help. From family, community resources, hired-help.

Resolution #2: Develop stress reducing techniques for yourself, so you don’t get sick.

I found biofeedback marvelous as it got me centered on self and helped me relax. I still use the “mind tell the body to do...” technique to de-stress myself or rev up my immune system.

Resolution #3: Take time out - and away -- from your caregiving responsibilities on a regular basis. What do you thoroughly enjoy doing -- by yourself or with others? I played duplicate bridge every Friday night, regardless of what was going on at my parents’.

Resolution #4: Don’t feel guilty that you can’t take care of everyone and do everything yourself. This may be the most critical one for your own salvation.

And DO enjoy the holidays!!

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

* * *

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 557 words; other material = 160 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.