Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday January 07, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

COMMUNICATIONS CAN INCREASE OR DECREASE STRESS

 

Question:  My parents (80s) recently moved near us.  Every time I walk in their door, my mother hands me an article or ad from the local newspaper.  The latest was for one of those cheap $1 stores that just opened nearby.  Does she think I am stupid or have no money?  I’m insulted.

 

Answer:  No, she doesn’t think you’re stupid!  She is (1) thinking about you positively even when you are not there;  (2) reaching out to you to create a stronger bond, and (3) looking to you to communicate your appreciation, therefore validating her value/importance as a human being and your mother.

 

Instead of reacting negatively, say to her, “Oh, I must have missed that. Thanks.  It’s interesting.”  Give her a hug, rather than harsh words.  You’re lucky she’s still “here.”

 

My mother used to mail me clippings about things about which I had no interest.  And an elderly cousin still does the same thing.  I use the word “interesting” when he asks if I received it.

 

P.S.  There ARE a lot of bargains in such stores.

 

Question:  The other day I found six opened cans of food, still full, in my mother’s (83) garbage can.  When I asked her why she threw out good food, she said, “They weren’t what I wanted.”  It’s a waste.  I got angry, and she started crying.  Now I feel guilty.  What do I do now?

 

Answer:  Instead of getting angry, you should have tried to determine why “it wasn’t what she wanted.”  Did she buy something she really didn’t want?   Or did she take the ‘wrong’ can out of the closet?  Does she have vision problems and cannot read the labels properly?  She may need glasses.  Often vision deteriorates slowly and a person may not realize what is happening.

 

If this is the situation, help her reorganize her cabinets AND put hand-printed labels on each can.  Larger type will help reduce such mistakes.  She may also need help when she shops.

 

Help her solve the problem and remain independent.

 

Question:  I am 86 and have everything I need and want.  I live in a small house.  Yet my two daughters always buy me things that either increase the clutter or are in a style for a much younger person. This year was worse than ever. 

 

Answer: Smile and say “thank you.”  The fact that they even bought something and gave some thought to it is important.

 

 I never realized I did just that with my mother until I opened one of her cabinets and saw things she has obviously received as gifts.   She kept them and gave them away as an occasion arose.  She gave a couple of nightgowns (that I had given her) to a good friend of hers who did not have much money.  But then my mother wanted one back after she died, because, she told her friend,   she “didn’t have one,” wherever she was.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 555 words; other material = 160 words

 

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