Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday February 04, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

ADVICE ASKED FOR; THEN REJECTED

1 of 2 parts

 

Question:  My mother, 82, keeps asking me for advice about various things and then completely ignores what I say.  I am angry.   Remember, she asked.  My anger spills over to our basic relationship.  How do I get her to do what is best for her and my father, 86?

 

Answer:  While your mother asks for advice, do remember she is struggling to retain her own independence and control.

 

Your strategy can be either of the following -- or a combination.

            1.  Do not give specific advice to do something or not to do it.  Point out all the options, and the pluses and minuses of each option.  Then leave the decision to her.  If she waivers, ask, “Mom, what do you (emphasize the word you) want to do?”

 

Then there is no guilt or anger on your part.  She may make a bad decision and have to accept the consequences.

 

            2.  If she is really stubborn, you may have to suggest the opposite of what you really think is best.  It’s called reverse psychology.  There are some people who will do the exact opposite of what someone else recommends to prove that they control their own life.

 

We had to this with my oldest when she was a teenager.  We did it deliberately.  To this day, she will do the opposite of what I suggest.  All too often she has had to live with negative repercussions.  But the decisions were hers, and she never seems to learn.  Needless to say, I cannot feel guilty because they were her decisions.

 

An older person struggling to retain self-esteem may do the exact opposite just to prove he/she still controls.

 

Question:  My father, 78, is a control freak and wants none of us (five siblings) to be involved at all in his life.  He yells whenever we attempt to have a meaningful conversation about his finances or health.  We’re frustrated.

 

Answer:   Keep in mind your father wants to retain control of his life.  This is a constant struggle for many as they age.  It is doubtful he’ll open up until there is a real medical crisis.

 

However, you might show him my recent columns on legal issues.  Tell him that you don’t want to have to go to court if he becomes ill or incapacitated.  Tell him you want to enable him to be as independent as long as possible.  Yet, you want to be able to handle his affairs when that time arrives.

 

Explain what could happen if you have to go to court and seek guardianship of him.

 

Question:  My mother, 86, gets mad when I suggest something (any thing) to make life easier or safer for her.  How can I get her to listen?

 

Answer:  You probably can’t.  My mother (then 90) used to complain I was “going to make her an old lady.” 

 

If something in the house is unsafe, get it fixed without her permission.  Just do it.

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text =562 words; other material = 160 words

 

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