Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday March 25, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

NO ONE SHOULD DO IT ALL

 

Readers’ Responses:  Several readers seem to think I was hard-hearted when I strongly recommended several weeks ago that both sandwich generationers AND elders should get help, even if it means hiring a stranger.  They both (sandwich generationers and elders) seem to think the sandwich generationer should do everything.  This is nonsense.

 

My Answer:  Realistically one person (a sandwich generationer) should not have to do everything for an elder.  Every day the physical and emotional stress of caregiving results in caregivers ending up in the hospital and/or having emotional breakdowns.  These sad repercussions can and should be avoided.

 

Where there are viable alternatives, they should be used.  Where there are ways to increase elder safety and quality of life, they should be used.

 

Caregivers’ life’s chores need to be balanced better.  This isn’t easy.  I know from my own experiences.  But one caregiver (a nurse) told me she lost several jobs because of a demanding father, had a nervous breakdown herself,  and had her husband divorce her, taking with him their young daughter.

 

No parent should be this demanding -- and selfish.  And when parents overstep the “reasonable” boundaries, children have to learn to say “No,” without the guilt factor coming into play.

 

Making Life Safer:   For some incomprehensible reason, older people scrimp on the size of light bulbs they use, thinking smaller ones use less electricity.  First, this isn’t true.  And second, the senior is jeopardizing his or her own safety -- both eye-wise and physical.  Vision will deteriorate faster if there is insufficient light even to do just routine activities and chores.  Insufficient light in a room can cause a person to bump into something and get injured or fall down steps or bump one’s head.

 

Older people’s eyes are less responsible to light; thus more light is needed.  Those in their 60s need 2 to 3 times more light than those in their 20s and 30s.  By their 80s, people need up to 5 times more light than a young person.

 

New Statistics:  Statistics always fascinate me.  Particularly when it comes to sandwich generationers and the elderly.  Latest one, courtesy of AARP, is that 24% of baby boomers expect a parent or in-law to move in with them.  Eight percent plan to charge their folks rent.

 

My reaction:  Whether older relatives, such as parents, or adult children move back in with sandwich generationers, they should contribute financially and help chore-wise  to the running of the household.  Unless, of course, they have no money or the sandwich generationer is way up there in income.  It is (my humble opinion) unfair of elders to expect their children to foot all the bills.   The children have to plan for their own retirement and old age.  On the younger side of the sage spectrum, adult children who move back in, either singularly or with their own family, should not expect their parents to continue supporting them.  Again, sandwich generationers need to know when to say “NO.”

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 563 words; other material = 160 words

 

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