Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday July 08, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

ELDERS FAVOR FAMILIARITY

 

Question:  My mother-in-law, 87, recently died.  We want my father-in-law to move in with us.  We live in New Jersey, and he is in Florida.  he refuses and wants to stay in his own home.  How do we convince him?

 

Answer:  Back off!  Get the help he needs (eg. shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning) to remain in his home.  Regardless of age, most people are more comfortable in their own home -- a familiar and safe environment, which they control.

            Have him visit you in the summer to get away from the heat.  But don’t force him to move.

 

Question:  My 16-year-old son is having difficulty accepting and dealing with my father’s stroke.  They have been very close, sharing many interests.  Now my son doesn’t even want to see my father.  My father is very hurt.

 

Answer:  Sit down with your son and talk -- about your father’s condition, your own feelings, your father’s feelings and your son’s feelings.  It’s often hard to see a loved one become ill and incapacitated.

            Three young boys I know kept up a dialogue with their dying grandmother to the very end.  She knew she was surrounded by love.

            Help you son give your father the love they both need.

 

Question:  I take my mother, 84, out one day each week.  We have lunch in the same restaurant ALL the time and then hit the $$ stores.  I’ve tried to get her to go to different restaurants, but she says “NO.”  I’m getting bored looking at the same menu.

 

Answer:  Older people (like some infants) are happier with a set routine.  So, take her where she wants to go.  What is most important is the time you spend together, not where you go.

            My parents went to the same restaurants for years: Monday nights at Sizzler, and Thursday lunch at IHOP.  Both would order the same food every time.  Boring to some, but they thoroughly enjoyed the routine and the food.

 

Question:  We are going on a camping vacation for 10 days and probably will not have telephone access.  We understand even cell phones do not work well, if at all, in the mountains.  My parents are elderly (88 and 86).  They are in good health, but....  What should we do?

 

Answer:   I guess your “but...” means you’re worried there might be a crisis while you’re away.  Have someone in the family check on them every day.  Or if there is no one closes by, talk with a friend of theirs, a neighbor, or clergy and ask that person to check up on them.  Give that person an emergency number -- the organization that is sponsoring you trip will have a way to contact you.

            If there is no one that can help, call a home care agency and arrange for someone to take them shopping, whatever, and to check on them.  If they are really frail, they might enjoy a vacation themselves in a nearby assisted living residence.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 560 words; other material = 160 words

 

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.