Globe Syndicate

For release Friday September 16, 2005


The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

TAKE CRITICISM WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

Question: My parents, late 70’s, continue to criticize me, even though I’m an adult and now shoulder many of their care responsibilities. It seems as if I can never do “it” “right.” I’m fed up with their attitude.

Answer: Were your parents always overly critical? Or is this a recent phenomenon?
Regardless of whether your parents were always critical or this is recent, you should not take their comments personally. This may seem like a strange answer. But understand that some people have always been critical because of their own insecurities, many of which go back to their childhood. If this is your parents’ case, they are not going to change their personality after seven decades.
If this kind of criticism is recent, they may be seeking to retain their own identify and control of a life being hit by negative happenings. In this situation, they may change. Even a little change will be helpful.
I remember one time I was sitting at my mother’s dining room table and writing checks. My mother said, “I don’t do it like that. You should ....” My comment was, “Well, I’ve been doing this for years and never had a problem.” What was the difference? She wrote the check amount in three different places, and I only wrote it in one. Different doesn’t necessarily mean “better” or “worse” in reference to the way something is done.
After deciding whether your parents’ criticism has been long standing or recent, you should decide whether it’s worth trying to talk with them. Acknowledge their concerns. But also make it clear that everyone has different ways of doing things -- all of which are just as effective in the end. Stress the “different” angle rather than the “better” angle.


Question: You keep saying we need to take the leadership role in dealing with our aging parents when they become needy. I have no idea where to even begin.

Answer: Role reversal is not easy nor is it a comfortable position. The management word “empower” always comes to my mind. Empowerment means helping a person build on strengths and getting help (compensate) for weaknesses.
The first step is to really “listen.” Listening helps identify strengths and weaknesses and more importantly core life values.
Many management studies show that managers (and you are now one) are not good listeners. One study even concluded that 64% of managers are poor listeners. Indifferent listening can result (whether in business or elder care) in unresolved problems, overlooked solutions, and ineffectual decisions. Ignoring suggestions and misinterpreting ideas can also develop into negative scenarios.
Listen to your parents and acknowledge their feelings. You don’t have to agree with everything. Your wiliness to listen and express ideas and share information will lead to a more positive relationship. Increased understanding on both sides and can lead to trust and eliminate emotional confrontations.
Two way communication can help identify true needs, with the solution being a mutual decision.


Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.



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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 561 words; other material = 160 words

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