Globe Syndicate

For release Friday November 11, 2005

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

MONEY DOES NOT MEAN “CARING”

Question: I’m writing to you as the “elder” you so often talk about. My four children all live fairly near me, but commute a fair distance to work every day. They do have busy lives. They always send me money, and I do appreciate this. But they don’t come to visit, even though I think I’ve always made them feel welcome. My husband died earlier this year. The holidays are coming up, and I don’t know what to do. I am already feeling lonely.

Answer: Needless to say, holidays questions come up every year. I say the same thing every year: your time is the best gift anyone can give to another human being, regardless of age.

Unfortunately, some sandwich generationers (like your children) equate giving money to a parent as “caring.” Giving money does not, in my viewpoint, equate with caring. It often reduces the sandwich generationer’s “guilt” or “denial” factors, but it doesn’t contribute positively to the elder’s emotional needs factor.

Certainly four siblings can work out a schedule so that at least one spends time at least once a week with their mother. Such time spent should be completely devoted to the elder. Rushing a parent to lunch, for example, and then rushing off afterward does not give “quality” time. The elder will feel as if the lunch is a “chore,” not a pleasure.

Question: My father, 86, has more money than he can ever spend and can buy whatever he wants. Another Christmas is coming up, and I can use some advice as to what to get him.

Answer: My advice remains the same: give your father your time and physical presence on a regular basis. I sometimes wonder why adult children only think of their parents at year-end holiday times, Thanksgiving and Christmas.. What about the rest of the year? What about the fun “holiday” of Halloween? Or an ordinary birthday (as opposed to a big number one with a 0 or 5?

For my mother’s 80th and 90th birthdays, I gave her big surprise parties. For her 91st birthday, I surprised her with a small gathering at her house. There were only a few of us. We had pizza, birthday cake and coffee. As THE center of attention, she dug into her drawers and pulled out mementos from other family celebrations. Everyone had a great time reminiscing and catching everyone else up on what was happening now. Then she came to my house for a week, and we went to the horse races.

In my presentations, I always emphasize the fun aspects of life. You make sure you did fun things for and with your young children. It’s role reversal time. Bring more fun into your parent’s life. Fun -- and learning -- are activities few people get tired of.

For nursing home residents: bring the holidays TO the person there. Grandchildren can make Thanksgiving and Xmas decorations for the loved one’s room. Favorite foods can also be brought in.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 564 words; other material = 160 words

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