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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
POSITIVE COMMUNICATIONS ==
WIN-WIN SCENARIOS
lst of 2 Parts
In my teen writing program I talk about how ALL living
things communicate to others.
When a
plant’s leaves droop, we know the plant “is saying” “water me.”
Animals communicate verbally by making different sounds and with body
language. Dogs bark and wag their
tails. Cats meow and rub against
you. And one cow I saw in a petting zoo
sticks out her big tongue when she wants to be fed.
Humans
communicate verbally, with body language, and in writing. (Which is why I’m
sitting here writing this.)
All
three human ways of communicating are important when dealing with aging parents
or sick spouses. Perhaps the one most
underrated is body language, a form of nonverbal communication.
Stress
makes one’s body tense. A caregiver’s or sandwich generationer’s tenseness can
be conveyed to someone else, especially an already frail person. In my own case, when I went up to see my
parents, stress gave me migraines. Needless to say, when I didn’t feel well
myself, I wasn’t as patient as I might have been. And my “body” often was stiff and jerky. Reflecting my migraine pain, my facial
express was not happy. At times my
parents picked up on my tension. My
father was especially sensitive. Even
though it was my mother who was sick, my father would apologize for their
problems with which I had to deal.
Toward
the end, I had to psyche myself up to be more positive and to talk about funny
and happy things.
TIPS
for better communications with aging parents (and older people in generation):
1. Speak clearly and slowing, directly to the
person. Do not try to have a conversation
or even ask a question from another room.
2. If you don’t understand what the elder has
said, say “I must have missed something.
What did you say?” Don’t say, “I
didn’t understand you.” Then you are
placing the blame for your not understanding on the elder.
3. Depending on the elder’s mental capacity,
talk in short simple sentences rather than long complex ones. Don't jump quickly from one subject to
another. Make it clear that you have
changed the subject.
4. If mental capacity is really limited, ask
questions that can be answered “yes” or “no” or with only a few words.
5. If mental capacity is not limited, open ended
questions can get the elder to express her/his own feelings and values. By understanding the elder’s feelings,
caregivers can respond positively and better handle touchy situations.
6. Look
the person in the eye when talking to him or her. This gives a sense that the receiver is
important to you.
7. Hugs convey positive feelings and make an
elder feel loved.
EARLY ON: Even before an elder becomes frail and/or sick, sandwich generationers should initiate conversations on important, often touchy, issues and values. Finances need to be discussed, and durable power of attorney executed. Quality of life values should be understood, and a living will signed.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually,
appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters
may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail
direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 566 words; other material = 160 words
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