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The
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
OPEN COMMUNICATIONS ARE
NEEDED
TO BRING FAMILY TOGETHER
2nd of 2 Parts
Question: Everyone in my
life is demanding that only I do things for them. My father, 80, is sick
and wants me to make the doctors make him well.
My husband wants his dinner the minute he walks in the door. The grades of my 12 and 14 year-old sons have
gone down because I spend less time with them and more with my father. I just gave up my job because the stress is
too much.
Answer: I wish I had a magic wand
to help you. But the truth is that there
is no magic wand to make your father well, if the medical prognosis is not
good. Have the doctor talk with your
father. Be present so you know first
hand what the doctor says. Don’t rely on
your father telling you the truth. (I
learned this the hard way with my mother.)
Then
discuss the prognosis with your father.
At this stage, he needs to know he is still loved and won’t be
deserted. Verbally tell him you love
him. Tell him that you (and the doctor)
wish you had a magic wand, but don’t.
Then deal with your father’s true needs and get help. Don’t do everything yourself.
Stop
obsessing about your father wanting to get well. It may never happen, so throw away any guilt
feelings you may have.
In
reference to your husband’s demands about dinner, in the whole scope of life I
fail to understand why dinner on the spot is so critical. To be hard-nosed, I’d say he is acting like a
spoiled child. He should be more
flexible. Tell him to make himself a snack if he is really hungry.
You might spend a day cooking various dishes
that can be frozen and just heated up.
This will give you a head start.
Your 14-year-old son can be recruited to help by giving him specific
chores to do. Here again, communicating
with your husband and sons is important to solving the problems.
In
reference to your sons’ grades, YOU are NOT to blame for their lower grades. Only they are responsible. Maybe you did too much for them. I see this scenario all the time. Parents often get impatient with children and
actually do the work, instead of making the children do it.
There
may be another problem. Sit down with each
son, separately, maybe over a pizza. Have an open-ended conversation -- about
school, his activities and friends. Try
to get him to talk about his feelings.
One mother I know takes a different son out to lunch once a week. It’s their time together with no interference
from anyone else.
Your sons may not want to talk about their feelings. It may not be “manly.” So, you should talk about their grandfather’s problems and your own feelings. Start by saying, “I know I haven’t been spending much time with you. I love you, but....” And use my “magic wand” saying.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 567 words; other material = 160 words
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