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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
YOU CAN LOSE A PARENT TWICE
Question: My mother, 86,
is in an assisted living residence and has Alzheimer’s. I took her out to
one of her favorite restaurants for lunch.
She became so agitated; we had to leave after 15 minutes. The ALF director suggested I do not take her
out again. Why not? My mother always loved our lunches.
Answer: For some reason, an
Alzheimer’s brain craves security and sameness. A change in environment (the
restaurant) can be unsettling, hence the extreme agitation.
Regardless
of how much she liked your outings in the past, your mother seems to have
reached another level in the progression of the disease. She needs to feel secure -- hence remaining
in the residence. Taking her out may
trigger a fear of the unknown. You might
want to try to take her out once more, but be prepared to cut your trip short
if she gets agitated again.
Question: I am sitting
here crying. I just visited my mother,
78, in the nursing home. She did not
even know who I was. She even said, “I
have no children.” I’m crushed. She has been confused for awhile, but now...
Answer: Memory seems to be the
first element to go in an Alzheimer’s person.
One person said it’s like someone dips into the brain and takes out
pieces. Sometimes it’s a small piece;
other times, large chunks.
Unfortunately,
there’s nothing anyone can do to reverse this situation. It’s tough emotionally to deal with. One truth is that one’s love cannot cure
Alzheimer’s or some of the other life defying diseases. But you should continue loving her and
visiting her.
You
join tens of thousands of other daughters (and sons) who actually lose a loved
one twice. First, when they no longer
recognize you at all, and then to the earth.
Question: My father, 74,
has been diagnosed with lung cancer. He
refuses treatment, saying he admired Peter Jennings. If
Answer: First of all, your
father, as long as he is mentally competent, has the right (both legal and
moral) to decide what he wants in the way of medical treatment -- or not to
have treatment. Whether you like this or
not, please respect his wishes.
Second,
it’s OK to scream -- but not at your father or in his presence. Scream in private. Even just letting out a Tarzan-like scream
can help reduce your stress.
Other
off-beat stress relievers include: lying
on the bed and vigorously kicking your legs against the mattress; pounding a pillow, or running up and down a flight of stairs three
or four times.
The US
Supreme Court has recently upheld
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct
to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 556 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.