Globe Syndicate
For
release
The
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
ROLE REVERSAL IS
INEVITABLE
Question: You say we have
to become a parent to our parent. I
object. I can and will never become a
parent to my parents as they’re very independent. At the same time, I never know what to expect when I pick up the phone or walk into their
house. I like to plan things and have
the days “run” smoothly. I can’t stand
uncertainty and upheavals, but they are becoming more common.
Answer: Many thoughts come into
my head as I try to respond to your comments.
First,
if our parents live long enough, no matter how independent and/or stubborn they
are, we DO become a parent to our parent.
I’ve talked a lot about sandwich generationers having to take the
leadership role in an aging parent relationship. This new leadership role IS a role reversal.
In my
caregivers programs, I talk about the various roles we play in life -- as many
as 50 different ones. I’ve long said
“Being a sandwich generationer is a new role on the stage of life for which we
can never rehearse.” Recently I came
across a quote by Mel Brooks, which ties in with my own philosophy and our
emotions as we become a parent to our parents.
Brooks said, “Hope for the best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed.” Brooks’ words seem to relate to your feeling
that your life is in a constant state of upheaval.
Your
personality seems to be pitted against the reality of life. There are only two things carved in stone in
relation to life: death and change. You can’t change death. But you can change how you look upon change
If you
can’t change your perceptions, you lead yourself to not only the normal roller
coaster of emotions, but also to a potential nervous breakdown.
Question: My father, 88, recently died. He always took care of their finances. My mother never even sorted the mail, much
less paid even one bill. She lives 50
miles away, so I can’t be there every day to help her. She refuses to move in with us.
Answer: This is a perfect example
of role reversal. You have to become a
“teacher” to your mother. You need to
teach (help) her learn to sort mail and pay bills.
Start
by sitting down with her and making a list of all the routine bills so she
knows what to expect. Put together a
budget. Show her how to write a check
and explain how she has to balance the checkbook. If she is completely hopeless
when it comes to bill paying, have regular bills sent to you and you pay (with
her money).
Every couple
of days, spend time on the phone and “go through” the mail. Help her identify bills from junk. This CAN be done long distance.
On our website there is the story of a daughter in the same situation. It should be helpful to you. Our website is: www.sandwichgeneration.com. In the Information Available section, the pertinent article is SFTSG003, Family Focus.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct
to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 576 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.