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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
IDENTIFY TRUE NEEDS AND GET
HELP
Question: My father died
recently, and my mother, 84, lives across the country from me. She seems to be confused and needs help. I don’t know where to start.
Answer: Start by taking Family
Leave Time from your work and spend two weeks with her to evaluate what she can
do for herself and where she needs help.
If confusion is more than normal grieving, she should be evaluated by a
multi-discipline geriatric medical team.
Second,
identify “help” resources near her:
family members who can are willing to help, community resources, illness
specific organizations. Calls to the
local office on aging, hospital discharge planners, home care agencies,
churches/temples can help identify help resources.
Third,
develop a care plan that leaves someone local in charge of oversight. If there is no appropriate family member, a
certified professional geriatric care manager should be hired.
Fourth,
make sure all legal documents are in order: a durable power of attorney so you
can handle finances and a living will for medical decisions.
Fifth,
start a dialogue with her doctors and attorney and account, if she has one or
both.
Sixth,
introduce yourself to her neighbors and friends. Make sure they and the doctors have y our
name and telephone number in case they need to contact you.
Question: My
father-in-law, 78, had a stroke that did minimal damage. However, he can no longer really take care of
himself and the house. He does not want
to move because he has a number of friends in the same neighborhood. We live 300 miles away.
Answer: Follow the same procedure
I suggested in the previous question. In this case, as there is no family
member nearby, I recommend your hiring a geriatric care manger who knows the
local resources. She can make specific
recommendations and oversee the help.
The GCM can visit the elder on a regular basis and alert you to any
problems.
Question: I have had the
full care responsibility for my parents for the past year. I’m stressed out, and my husband is
threatening to leave me. I do have two
sisters and a brother, who have not helped at all.
Answer: There is no reason you
should be doing everything yourself and risk your own health and marriage.
Follow
the procedure as previously noted. In
your case, have a family conference (either in person or be telephone
conferencing) and figure out how your siblings can help. Even if they live far away, they can help
monetarily to hire help. They can (and
should) spend care time with your parents (either a long weekend or even a
week) so you and your husband can take a vacation.
Under the Family Leave Act, your siblings can take time off from work (in addition to their vacation time and personal days) to care for your parents. Under the law, his/her job must be preserved.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 548 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.