Globe Syndicate
For
release
The
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
NO ONE HAS TO BE PERFECT
1st of 2 Parts
Question: I have a full
time job, two young children and a loving husband. We are now faced with two sets of aging
parents (late 60s). IF something
happens to any one of them, I’ll be unable to handle
everything that will need to be done.
I’m already getting stressed out thinking of the future.
Answer: First of all,
your parents and in-laws are still young.
If they don’t have any chronic illness, you shouldn’t be obsessing now
on the “whens” or “what ifs.” Your intervention and help in their lives
seems years away.
There’s
an interesting study on “what ifs” in life.
Forty percent of “what ifs” never happen; 30% are about past events that
can’t be changed now; 20% involve trivial things, and 4% will be events that
aren’t going to change no matter what you do.
Only 4% of “what ifs” involve something that you can change as events occur
in the future. So, why you are obsessing
about 4% of possibilities is beyond me.
What
you should be doing NOW is making sure everyone has the critical legal
documents in place: durable Power of
Attorney (for financial decisions and help), Living Wills (for medical
decisions), and Testamentary Wills.
Question: My father just
died, and my mother, 89, refuses to move from her house and still drives. She doesn’t want any help. I’m already feeling guilty that something bad
may happen to her. What if she gets into
an accident? What if she falls in the
house or burns herself while cooking?
What if someone breaks into her house and beats her up? I’m going crazy worrying about all these
things.
Answer: Another care of needless
worry about “what ifs.” Your negative
thinking about bad “what ifs” -- if not controlled -- could result in
deteriorating relations with your mother and undue stress for yourself. Negative fears can impact relationships more
than positive feelings.
Focus
on reality. Don’t make things worse than
they actually are, and don’t make tough situations better than they are.
I’m
told the word FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. So, focus on reality and the positives.
Getting stuck on negatives immobilizes your ability to deal with what you do
need to deal with.
At the
same time, there are steps you can take to reduce everyone’s “what ifs”
fears. Safety proof
the house and eliminate possibilities of accidents. Get your mother a medical alert system so if
she’s home alone she can call for help.
Set up a neighborhood alert system so neighbors can call you. Hire someone to clean her house and do chores
that are difficult for her to do alone.
THE eternal question:
“What If” I’m not perfect? Would
my parents still love me? We are all
human, and NO ONE IS PERFECT.
NEXT WEEK: Flow With The Tide
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 544 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.