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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
Question: My three
children (10, 12 and 14) were always good, in school and at home. Since I’ve been running errands for my
parents (70s), the kids have been acting up everywhere. I lose patience and yell a lot. No one is happy.
Answer: First you need
to take a close look at the things you yell at in relation to your
children. Often sandwich generationers are frustrated with their aging parents, feel
guilty about losing patience with the elders, and take out these frustrations
on other members of the family. In this
case, your children are getting the brunt of your frustrations, and this
certainly isn’t fair.
Second,
you need to understand that your kids are at the ages when they need a lot of
emotional support. They should be needing less chore help.
On the other side, your parents need more chore help as well as
emotional support. These elder care
responsibilities will become more intense.
And those relating to your children will change, but not disappear.
Step 1
would be to identify your parents’ true NEEDS -- as opposed to wants. The word empower
needs to come into play. Let them do for
themselves as much as they can. In
relation to true needs identify help sources, other than yourself. Bring in outside help to relieve your burden.
Step 2
would be two sit down with you children and husband and have a family
conference. Explain what is happening
with your parents. Understanding the
aging process helps children deal with change -- your being around less for
them. Write down the children’s
activities schedule and decide which ones you or your husband can attend to
give the child the emotional support needed.
Step 3
would be to enlist your children’s help in doing chores -- both in your house
and in your parents’. Be sure to give
lavish praise, and maybe extra money, when they help. Be sure the kids understand that the more
they do to help the more time you will have to spend with them.
Question: My mother, 88,
always wants to play checkers or do puzzles with my kids. The kids are now teenagers and far beyond the
checkers and puzzle stage. They refuse
to play with her, and she starts crying.
Answer: Your mother is obviously
seeking assurances that she still “has it” and is valued as a person. Explain this to your children. The checkers can be developed into a contest
with the winner (or loser) treating everyone else for a dinner each month. My parents, in their 90s, played rummy-Q each
night and kept score. At the end of the
month, the loser would have to treat. In
reference to puzzles, no one is too old.
However, the number of pieces might be limited, depending on your mother’s
capabilities.
Simple structured activities and fun can go a long way to avoiding depression. So, encourage your children to play with grandma.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 557 words; other material = 160 words
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