.Globe Syndicate
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The
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CALLS TO PARENTS DON’T HAVE
TO BE DAILY
Question: My mother, 76, lives alone and wants me to
call her every day. I work in a
high-pressure environment and then have to cook dinner for my husband and two
children. My mother is healthy and
independent, so I don’t understand why I have to call her every single
night. By the time we finish dinner, I’m
in no mood to chitchat.
Answer: Telephone calls with aging parents serve
various functions. In cases (not yours)
where a parent is frail and/or has health problems, a daily call is “oversight”
-- to make sure she is ok.
How often a sandwich generationer
speaks to a parent is completely individual.
Aside from oversight, regular (not necessarily
daily) calls show love and caring and share events of the day. For many sandwich generationers, calls
provide peace of mind.
In your case, sit down and discuss
your feelings and tight schedule. Agree
upon a less than daily call -- scheduling it, if necessary, to give your mother
peace of mind. Your children might call
their grandmother once a week, and if you have siblings, arrange for them to
call once or twice a week.
My mother used to tell me that a
cousin called his parents EVERY day. I
asked why? She shrugged her
shoulders. We spoke a couple of times a
week, or more when health problems existed or something special happened.
DAILY CALLS ARE NOT A MUST.
Question: Since my mother died, my once healthy father,
79, has developed various ailments. He
is very unhappy, but refuses to go to a doctor. He doesn’t even visit with his friends,
which he did on a regular basis. How can
I help him?
Answer: If your parents’ marriage was a close and
loving one, your father may be lonely.
An empty house is empty.
Loneliness can lead to various
physical ailments, including higher blood pressure, depression and even
fluctuating sugar levels. All or any of these can make your father feel lousy.
Maybe he should not stay in the
house alone. Today’s wide range of
living alternatives, from retirement communities to CCRCs, and ALFs, offer
activities and opportunities for people interaction.
Socialization has a positive effect
on physical health because it
makes a person feel better about self. As one ages, emotional well-being is very
important. So, try to get his friends to
be more aggressive in visiting him and including him in activities. I recently read the story of a wheelchair-bound
unhappy woman who was “kidnapped” by an acquaintance and “forced” to go to a
party. Now the woman has a boyfriend.
You should be pro-active. Sit down with your
father, discuss his feelings about living alone, ask
him how he would like to live the rest of his life and what he would like to
do. Discuss options for an alternate living residence. Men are often reluctant to discuss their
feelings, so you may have to prod him.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct
to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 557 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.