Globe Syndicate
For
release
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
THE HUMAN MACHINE WEARS DOWN
AS DOES ANY MACHINE
Years ago, a reader said to me that we all have to
realize that “just as any machine wears out, the human machine does the
same.” She then went on to describe her
mother’s current situation, which was a far cry from when her mother kept the
house immaculate. Today, the daughter
said, “She lets dust settle until you can write a sonnet in it.”
Our
discussion continued about the daughter’s reaction to these changes. From that
conversation and others with a wide range of caregivers, the 4A’s of Caregiving
was developed. This process applies to
all aging relationships, whether it is with a parent or a spouse. And there
will be times when you go back to a previous step because of the changing care
needs and situation.
The
four steps are: AWARENESS;
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT; ACCEPTANCE, and ACTION.
AWARENESS: Become aware of the changes in a parent’s
capabilities and stage in life, in general.
I can remember the first time I became aware of my father’s
changes. I was walking behind him as we
went down the isle in the auditorium where my eldest was graduating from
nursing school. He had always been a
small man, but a wiry one. I can
remember the thought going through my mind at that time,” He’s really getting
frail. I need to keep a closer eye on
what’s happening.” At the time, he was
still driving and working five days a week -- and was 86 years old. My feelings of protectiveness and love were
uppermost.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Changes are a natural process of life and
aging. Our society seems to have
difficulty realizing this, especially in light of medical technology and drugs
which keep everyone living longer.
Sandwich Generationers need to be honest with themselves in this acknowledgement.
You have to acknowledge the fact that your parent’s capabilities are changing
in perhaps a negative way. Your
relationship with your parent is changing and you have to take the leadership
role.
ACCEPTANCE: The aging process cannot be eliminated, so we
just have to accept it. Accept what
cannot be changed -- and don’t feel guilty that you cannot change the direction
of the deterioration of life. At this
stage, caregivers not only have to acknowledge their feelings, but to accept
them as being natural. A caregiver also has to accept the fact that she cannot
do everything by herself. Get rid of the
guilt factor.
ACTION: Research, identify and evaluate care resources and options and then make decisions that will provide appropriate care for the parent as well as protect, what I call, your own “I SELF”. Work with realistic expectations -- both of what your parent can do for self and what you can do. Bring in family and friends as well as others from the community to help. If you have no family members to share tasks, seek help from community organizations. And change your expectations as capabilities and circumstances change.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct
to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 561 words; other material = 160 words
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