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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
DEATH DOES NOT END LOVE
Question: My mother (90)
passed on a year ago. I still cry for
the lost times together -- the good and the bad. My children are all out on their own and live
far away. I don’t know what to do with
all my love or how to handle my feelings.
Answer: Your letter came on the
day my mother, if still alive, would have been 101. That morning my oldest called and said she
had used one of grandma’s pocketbooks the night before. In the purse were my mother’s business
cards. “She's probably trying to tell me
something,” Ruth laughed. “Probably,” I
said, “to remind you today is her birthday.”
Even after nine years, we still feel the loss.
I
overheard a conversation between a teenage girl (who had just lost her mother),
and her friend. “Now she’s gone, where
does all that love go? Where do I put
it? Who do I love like I loved my mom? It’s like my love has nowhere to do.”
So your
feelings, as well as my own, are natural and you shouldn’t get upset because
you miss your mother so much. Love doesn’t dry up. It continues to spill over to whomever new
you might develop new relations. At the
same time, the “hole” never does go away entirely, but seems to get smaller as
I fill my life with new activities and friends.
I joined the local orchid club and became active in the Norwegian
Elkhound (dog) club. We cannot change
the past, but we all need to continue to enjoy life. And remember to smile or laugh 24 times a
day.
Question: For five years,
I did nothing but get my parents (then late 80s) up in the morning, dressed and
fed before going to work. Then I’d come
home, feed my parents, put them to bed, and do all the household chores. I would collapse myself, try to get some
uninterrupted sleep, and do the same thing the next day. Now I have an empty house and nothing else.
Answer: This is a prime example
of why I always say that a sandwich generationer should not do everything
herself and should get help to do at least some of the elder care chores. The following is for those who are still
caregiving and hopefully a direction for yourself.
ADVICE: Don’t lose yourself, your own identify
because you spend all of your time caring for a sick/old loved one. Although this may sound harsh, death is
inevitable, and you will have no life of your own if you don’t maintain your
own “I SELF”. Keep up interests and
friends -- and actively develop new friends.
Find new passions and get involved with new organizations and people.
This advice is the same for those who are bringing up young children. Don’t let our child’s life become your life. Children grow up and move out, and you will be left alone.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct
to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 558 words; other material = 160 words
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